Monday, March 13, 2006

Weighty Questions

A lot of things have happened over the past week. Apart from the fact that South Africa won the greatest One day International ever played and India is on the brink of victory, yours truly has made a resolution to shed some weight. Not that I have decided to do a whole lot about it. I am a strong proponent of the concentrate-so-hard-until-you-lose-weight school of thought. I started believing in this fundamental truth when the Buddhist monk-kid in Matrix said,” Do not try to bend the spoon; instead realize there is no spoon”. This was bolstered when I read, “when you want something with all your heart, the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”.

Of course those of you, who are unfortunate enough to know me well, would have guessed by now that I have started talking about it already. I happened to casually mention this to a good friend of mine who was equally hell-bent on losing some weight, albeit for very different reasons. She was shocked when I told her that I had lost just a little less than 2 kg over the last week. A few expletives later on what a lucky *bugger* I was, she got down to taking some expert tips from me on ‘how to lose weight’. I almost chuckled when she admitted that she aimed at losing 1 kg a month. I almost got punched in the nose for that. Conversation was thus happening in a free and candid fashion when suddenly, out of the blue, she popped the question. Oh no, not that one, but one that is dreaded equally by mankind.

“Ganesh, tell me frankly, do I look fat?”

The fact that womankind has mastered the art of flummoxing mankind is evident by how intricately the question was worded. Allow yours truly the pleasure of taking you through the query in a systematic manner. Firstly, the line starts by addressing me directly. This precludes the possibility of me trying to pretend as if she was talking to someone else. Also jumping out of the third floor window is not a viable option because you may end up breaking your bones and would not be able to run again when she confronts you on the ground a few minutes later. Secondly, the word “frankly” takes care of whatever little ability men have at attempting a direct lie. Of equal efficacy is “look into my eyes and answer”. This is the reason, why you don’t hear men say things like,” You look perfect” or “The baby is so beautiful” or “We are just friends” to women. It is time to face it – lying to women can be a traumatic and a life changing experience for most men. Thirdly, she doesn’t ask me if ‘I think she looks fat’, she asks me if ‘she looks fat’. This makes useless the hedge that all men use at all times. You can’t start the sentence with “I think...” and later convince her that you were on top of 270 ml of Vodka and were not thinking straight.

Although, man has made tremendous progress when it comes to science, he has advanced little in unraveling the mysteries of responding in an intelligible fashion to women. Gibbering is still considered a satisfactory response to a compliment from a beautiful girl. There is very little downside to “unsatisfactory” response to a compliment. You are, however liable to get bonked on the head if you err in answering the question above. Changing the topic by talking about how this cute guy at work was checking her out is still the best way out.

8 Comments:

Blogger BetterHalf said...

I was cracking up on my sides and laughing out real loud and for a teeny weeny amount of time (for those of you who live in those infinite realities where time is not an extension of space), i almost believed that the woman in q was not even me. Now i wud have slapped your back real hard, oh no not those slaps from women you men have learnt to fear but a friendly slap if, if i cud stop identifying with that woman. I do and hence i dont. Sounds cryptic, sounds womanly??
Now for the million dollar question, and I do know that men are really stumped when they hear this from women and would do anything to avert the question, or rather avoid answering it. You say yes and u are caught, she would scowl back and if you say no, she would scowl harder because she will make u believe that the man has not been kind enough to take notice of her.
But weird are the ways of men too! They have found n no of novel ways of not answering the question , just as U Mr Iyer refrained from that sunny friday afternoon ;)
You have a way with words when it comes to writing about the most mundane of things packed to the brim, choking us with guffaws, laughter et al.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

"Rombe Nendri" for the kind words ;) btw, Wish you luck with the great endeavor :)

1:32 PM  
Blogger Nikhil Kulkarni said...

I can't help but quote the subject of your post (Suchitra is her name I guess) - "You have a way with words when it comes to writing about the most mundane of things packed to the brim, choking us with guffaws, laughter et al."

Frankly (and I mean it), all your posts from the first one till date are mostly about the most mundane events - but you make them too funny to read.

8:45 PM  
Blogger LAK said...

Good post! I guess you could try the barefaced lie,"Of course you don't look fat" or, a diplomatic, "Er--um-- a bit" which would of course lead to her asking you to qualify and quantify.Saw your comment(ants aren't gentlemen)on Meghalomania.Cheers!

7:13 PM  
Blogger LAK said...

BTW, my blog has the same template as yours!

7:14 PM  
Blogger Peeyush said...

Dude - time to update the link to my blog :) the old one is gone.

Check out: http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/ranjan/

12:20 AM  
Blogger Nikhil Kulkarni said...

high time you wrote some shit here ...
whatever you write - its worth a read, So do use your fingers to type something apart from official emails ...

11:15 PM  
Blogger Aditya said...

I really liked ur post, thanks for sharing. Keep writing. I discovered a good site for bloggers check out this www.blogadda.com, you can submit your blog there, you can get more auidence.

3:50 PM  

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Chasing Perfection


There are some days, which compel you to break rules. I broke one such rule today – blog about cricket. I had refrained from writing about cricket for the greater good of my not-so-crazy-about-cricket readers. So, if you are Indian and an avid cricket follower, then do read on. The lines that follow would in all probability make you swell with pride. If you however do not care much about the classic duel between bat and ball, I would still encourage you to read further. Who knows, if this write-up does make you sit up and take even an infinitesimally small amount of interest in cricket, I would consider myself successful - successful in doing my bit to make this world a better place to live in 

Writing about Cricket is complex business. There are times when you gush about how magnificent your team is and then there are times when you, well, do not. The fact that India got to the World cup final by decimating all the other cricketing nations made me feel proud of my team. The fact that they cowed in to Australia in that very final made me feel quite the opposite way. You would say nothing is absolute; it just depends on whether India won or lost on that day, right?

Wrong.

As the Indian score stood at 190/5 chasing 289 for victory, time almost came to a stand still. Kaif was making the long dreaded walk back to the pavilion, which felt longer for the batsman because he had not contributed numerically to the team’s cause. This scene was not entirely new for the Indian fans. There have been numerous occasions in the past, where India has come tantalizingly close to “finishing” things off and clinching the deal, but have faltered before scoring that most-important run. This however was a different day, a different opposition and a different Indian team. Yes, The New Age Indian Cricket team had arrived. Dhoni had arrived.

As the Indian score still stood at 190/5, Dhoni walked in to the middle with his familiar swagger. He went about setting things straight right away. A few nervous pokes, getting off the mark and a one handed boundary over the bowler’s head was all it took for him to get into his devastating rhythm. As nervous Indian followers bit their nails off, Dhoni did what he knew best. He pulled, cut, hoiked, drove, hooked and belted the leather out of the hapless Paki bowlers. Lesser batters watched in awe and admiration at the wonderful and unbelievable array of shots that he unleashed. Worth special mention were the consecutive offside punches for four off Asif, which crashed into the railings before the fielders could even move two paces. Then, there was that Rana Naved over which would have the unfortunate bowler having nightmares and waking up in a pool of sweat, in the middle of the night for some months to come. These swashbuckling shots more than just crashed into the advertising hoardings. They averted the famed Indian collapse and derailed whatever little hope the Pakis had of winning the match. The winning runs came in style off a ferocious hook played in a manner, which would have put fear even into the hearts of Larwood, Voce and Co. of the Bodyline fame.

While watching the match, it felt quite silly at times to be alone in the living room, hurling obscenities at the Paki bowlers and punching into thin air when Dhoni hit away to glory. However, nothing, sure as hell, in the whole world would have felt better. Well, I would have to admit that hearing Inzamam say, “We not fielding well today, that’s why we lose match...” in the post-match conference did come close.

5 Comments:

Blogger Hrishi said...

hmm... that's the big payoff/ big disappointment factor in sport. I never know whether to sign off or keep biting my nails when a 190/5 like situation comes by...

nice blog btw

9:13 AM  
Blogger Shubham said...

gr8 to see u back in the blog world man.. ur's used to be one of my fav. blogs during those blissful days in NITIE.. until u decided to go into hybernation..
welcome back..

coming to ur post, dhoni's demeanor reminds me a bit abt viv richards.. i am not saying that he is in the same class as king viv.. but just that the way in which he carries himself is similar.. he had a touch of arrogance abt him.. which is good !!

7:40 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

Thanks Shubham.

Yeah, I agree with you when you say that his demeanour is a bit like Viv Richards - very imposing, and instantly puts the bowlers on the backfoot.

You know what....His ODI average as of now is about 50 ! great for a wicketkeeper !

9:57 AM  
Blogger chaos said...

and he does it again in Karachi...

10:37 AM  
Blogger harsha said...

Hi....gud one :)

6:13 PM  

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Friday, February 10, 2006

Treat for Four

The pretty girl looked at me eagerly, her innocent big round eyes waiting in anticipation for any movement of mine. Her ears looked eager to catch the next words emanating from my mouth.

I looked long and hard at her, and then I looked longer at the menu card. Then I glanced at the placard kept on my table and turned to the Pizza Hut server to place my order.

“I will keep it simple.Please get that offer of yours - “Treat for Four” please!”

As soon as I uttered those words, I could see her eyes widen in surprise. I thought I heard a silent gasp.

A little background would be in order here. A “Treat for four” meal at Pizza Hut is the ultimate test. The ultimate value for money. A gastronomic delight in terms of quantity.It includes the following:
1.Two Medium sized Pizzas (10” me thinks)
2.A plate of Pasta
3.Garlic Bread (4 Nos)
4.Two cups of Soup
5.Two Glasses of Pepsi

You would normally think that waiters, servers, maitre d’ and others of the kind would be very subtle with emotions. Theirs is clearly not to stare and glare but to bare what comes their way. This young girl however, was clearly not able to hide her horror at the thought that I was going to finish off the “Meal for four” all by myself.

On a good day, where I have not had a lot of food in the evening, I actually might eat all of that for dinner. I like good food and I like it in plenty. It is true that the “Pizza” had left an indelible mark on me after all that consumption in the US last year. However, they say “Time heals everything” and they say that with good reason. After about 6 months of abstinence from pizza, I was all-eager to dig deep and dig plenty into the Pizza. However, she clearly overestimated my abilities on that particular day. I was just back from the Bryan Adams concert after about 4 hours of standing and singing. For a feat like this, you need focus and determination. I was clearly not in the “zone” then. Fortunately, my flat mate who is a shade over 6’5” walked in and sat at my table.

Her frown vanished, a smile appeared and blood returned to her cheeks. Understanding dawned on her and perhaps empathy also. She could now imagine two guys - one 6 feet tall and another six and a half feet tall lapping up the great “meal for four”. The next words she spoke came out fast and furious...

“Yes sir, I will get the soup and the drinks right away. The Garlic Bread would be here in 8 minutes, the Pasta in 6 minutes, and the Pizzas in 15 minutes. Have a nice meal!”

P.S. I rang the bell this time around.

5 Comments:

Blogger josh said...

Meal for four, naa, that is usually enough for two at the most...

Anyways that look on the girl's face when I entered the table must have been something,
(u see i did not see it da,was busy doing..umm...err...was busy)

but the meal rocked.
(they even gave us a complimentary something to nibble on)

so lets do it again
(preferably after iron maiden has come for a concert)


Ganesh's (a tad under 6'6" and a tad under 100Kg) flat-mate

2:52 PM  
Blogger Nikhil Kulkarni said...

Whooaa!!! Such a relief to see you back on the blogging circuit!

Only, yesterday Ashita returned to her Blog-reading and commented on my Blog after eons ... Seems all of us in IM10 are waking up to Blogging after working hard for 1 year post MBA :))) Well in that case there's something that I have in mind to keep all of you busy. (Its a secret that I'll reveal soon)
Btw tell me is that '(New Post here)' thing done?? I also wanna enable that on my blog.

And please dont run away into oblivion again !! Your blog is too good to miss for all of us readers out here!!

4:48 PM  
Blogger Hrishi said...

Aah... the return of the native (to blogspace).

Such a relief for us optimistic clicker overs that have lived with disappontment for months...

Welcome back... and start dieting. (sorry... I got me an overactive guilt complex along with me belly)

5:29 PM  
Blogger chaos said...

Man!!! that is some treat!

i m trying to imagine the face of the waitin' girl!!! must be a kodak moment ;)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

Hi all !

Is that a lot of pressure or what ? You guys have to get used to some serious mediocrity ;)

Nikhil,

This is a service called "Blogrolling". CLick on the link below the list of contacts. Pretty useful !

H,

Me no diet dude (nativespeak for you)....Dieting is for losers. You try the Treat for 4 thingy. Then we can maybe discuss the details....

Khetan,

Yes sir ...it sure was a kodak moment :)

11:09 AM  

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Friends Quiz

It has been sometime since I pampered myself, so I made a quiz about myself. Take it to find out how much you know about me.

Take my Quiz

If you score anything below 70, you better call me up and stay in touch !

23 Comments:

Blogger chaos said...

well ... i scored horribly bad!!!
grrr... u need to make sure that i am in touch with u ;)

2:37 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

Dats ok,

What is however wierd is that most of the people have been scoring exactly 70%.

Shows that people put in the minimum effort to avoid more effort !

tch!

7:35 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

Aaah!! I should kick myself for missing one.... got 90... must admit it was damn tough.
But you know from my GRE scores that I'm pretty good (and lucky?) at guessing and solving multiple choice questions... :D

Good I got 90 though, had I got 100, I would've never contacted you again! :))

8:12 PM  
Anonymous yudi said...

i object... this quiz was rigged :))

4:06 PM  
Blogger Nikhil Kulkarni said...

Objection Sustained!! The Quiz was really rigged !!!

11:01 PM  
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11:11 PM  
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11:45 PM  
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11:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:56 PM  
Blogger harsha said...

Must say that i scored 60 in ur quiz.....strange have'nt even met u:)
IM 12, NITIE

9:27 PM  
Blogger emily said...

Your blog is great! It's hard to find blogs with good content and people talking about debt reduction these days! I have a secret debt reduction blog if you want to come check it out!

11:12 PM  
Blogger Hrishi said...

2 months no post?

3:56 AM  
Blogger amzee said...

Hey Ganesh... hows u... long time no post?

4:48 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

hey guys/gals ...

U know how it is sumtimes ...Life on a cruiser ...u dunt want to stop and think about it ...You dunt wanna write about it ...Just tht !

Or maybe its just that I am insanely busy with work!

either ways, i will be back :)

6:46 PM  
Blogger nope said...

Hi,

I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

Melissa K. W.
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8:57 PM  
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1:17 AM  
Blogger Shan said...

aho he kaay challay? Like a dilapidated house attracts weeds, your blog is attracting spam-blog comments... yeh kya haal bana rakha hai?

How about outsourcing your blog - maintenance work? :)) - better quality for cheap? ;)

7:27 AM  
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Blogger Greater Spire said...

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1:32 PM  
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5:21 AM  
Blogger Shan said...

4 months no post.... tch tch... not expected from you. your blog is getting flooded with spam... arre jaag ja - phirse tere chahnewalo ko apne keyboard ka kamal dikha...

6:28 AM  

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Roads .....

I just got my bike transported to Bangalore. After three months of driving sedans in the US of A, life is back to plain harsh reality – driving in Bangalore. I haven’t had the privilege of driving a lot on these roads but after having had the opportunity to be an observer, I have some observations/pointers for the people who would like to venture on to these one-of-the kind roads:

1.So, do we drive to the left of the road in Bangalore? Yes we do, most of the times, that is. We start on the left of the road, and when we do not have any space left we move to right side of the road. This is a continuous process and it proceeds by moving to the next available empty space. Very much like draughts or chess, just that this requires much more dexterity, skill and foresight on our part.

2.We find lanes claustrophobic. I mean, how can a self-respecting driver stay in one lane all the time? We value our freedom of more than 50 years and extend the same to our roads. We like to switch lanes and demonstrate our skills on the bike. But then if this gives off the impression that we are all glamour and no responsibility, it is wrong. We never do wheelies on the main roads.

3.Unlike some countries, where honking may be considered offensive, we rise above such frivolous interpersonal issues. We honk for the sheer joy of it. We honk when we are making a turn, we honk when we see someone ahead of us, we honk when we see someone overtaking us. We even honk in a traffic jam. We Bangloreans are a spiritual lot and we believe in miracles. We believe that honking can miraculously clear the traffic in front of us. Though this has never ever happened, we still don’t give up. We are a persisting and a persevering lot, you know.

4.The roads in Bangalore do not have shoulders – more like boulders? Yes. Unlike some countries’ roads which have a lane which is not used by the general public, we don’t have such a system. We are strong adherers of that famous law by that good natured chap, Parkinson and we make sure that the traffic expands to fill the available space, even time at times.

5.Given our strong Indian roots, we have a strong sense of equality. This extends to our roads too. Everyone on the road is an equal, be it the Rs 12 K moped-wala or the guy who owns the Rs. 65 L Mercedes S class. Both take the same time to get to a place from a certain other place. We are all equal here in Bangalore. The Bangalore traffic is such a strict proponent of this philosophy that it would not allow even an ambulance with a critical patient inside to go through it. We Bangloreans however are not totally devoid of human sensibility. The ambulance blare sometimes is a pain.

All said and done, driving here is fun, uninhibited and full of frolic. Throw in the added excitement of having to deal with the excellent traffic constabulary here, (which by the way speaks only language – Kannada and mysteriously translates a fine Rs.100 to Rs.200 when spoken to in Hindi), and you have nothing short of a James Bond thriller - without his ladies of course. Roads in Bangalore as they say are like James Bond - licensed to kill.

5 Comments:

Blogger amzee said...

I feel that ....
this driving on our roads teaches us 'how to be arrogant and find ur way out?'
Driving a 4-wheeler in Pune is even more scarry!

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Nysa said...

Good Blog Dude. I remember my days in bglore and the traffic. Man they are killing.

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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9:01 PM  
Blogger Ganesh Iyer said...

Naaa dude, tempting as it sounds, I will give it a miss...

PS: Can tell you from my MBA (which incidently had books, tests and exams...yep, all of the above), that marketing by commenting on blogs doesnt get customers. So, "Advance your life", post an ad somewhere. You may actually find people who want to do a confidential MBA. Thanks.

2:55 PM  
Blogger BetterHalf said...

Nice blog i must say, and i dont say this often enough ;)
And about the honking part even i have wondered, how going honk, honk , honk when u are stuck in a mega traffic jam helps. It is not as though the guy in front of you wants to be stuck ahead of you inhaling obnoxious gases.
btw, u seem to be atrracting quite a bit of these anonymous bloggers ;)...u might as well give the advance your life a shot. U never know what might be in store ;)

1:46 AM  

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